Straying from the sidewalk

It's my first visit to the beach for a little sun, sea & sun sand since moving to Dubai. Love it. Yes, you are right. I do get the sun, sea and sand everyday at work on site. Baking under the sun doing site observations while getting weird stares from random men, staring at sewerage pumped into the sea and inhaling fine sand particles in the air which threaten to pollute & impede my respiratory system. Cough.

The beach at JBR(Jumeirah Beach Residence) is a short 10 mins drive from my place at DISCO(Discovery Gardens). Blissful drive on a Saturday morning without traffic and my usual road rage. No creep slicing me up on the roads or woman in huge 4-wheel drive yakking on her mobile and not looking at where she is going. Bless. God would be proud of the absence of profanity in my speech today. Such an angel. Ding!

Plopped myself on a chair at one of the outdoor cafes and soaked in the view of the beautiful blue sky & sparkling turqoise sea before me while waiting for brekkie to be served. Sharibt qahwah bi sukkar wa haleeb wa akalt crepe(Arabic meaning: I drank coffee with sugar and milk and ate crepe). After satisfying her gastro, the little lady(that's me!) picked up her beach essentials from her Yaris and pranced down merrily to the sandy beach. Book. Bikini. Beach towel. Sunnies. Sunblock. Checked!

I spent most of the time just relaxing and bobbing in the clear cool water. I did attempt to swim a little to be fair. Being a rather easily contented person when it comes to the simple pleasures of life, this has made my day and I am happy to spend the rest of the day just chilling at home.

Alhamdulillah!
 

The last entry was dated nearly a year ago, though it seems as fresh as a thought from yesterday.
I stared at the screen unable to hold back the tears. The pain has relieved over the year, but the poignant memories lives on.
It is time to revive the journal.

“Subconsciously, it probably affects you more than you can be rationally aware.”

I could never let go of these words since they were said to me. A simple question of “Are you alright?”, most of the time sputtered as no more than a formality when two person meet, sufficed to summon a momentary heartache. “No. I am not alright. Why would I be? Should I be? I have lost one of the most important person in my life and you are asking me if I am alright. How can I be alright? Will it ever become alright?”

“I am fine, thank you.”

Nearly three months have passed since that day. Time will heal they tell you. Did they also remember to tell you that there will be scarring in the healing process. A network of thick fibrous tissue engulfing your heart, to stop the tears of blood that threaten to drain the life out of your body. The forced suppression of emotions is slowly surfacing to suffocate me. Subconsciously, it is killing me silently while I continue to breathe, eat and live. The gradual awareness of the wretched emotional state I am in scares me and I am struggling to pick up the falling pieces. I fear the day when everything collapses and I have no more means of putting it all together again.

No one loved me more than he ever did. I was his little girl and will always be. I remember looking down at his face when he held me with his arms upright, throwing me up and always catching me tightly and securely. He was infallible and I felt so safe with him by my side. He used to kiss me on my forehead in the mornings before he goes off to work. “Bye daddy” I muttered half-asleep, knowing I will see him in the evenings when he comes home from work. The last time I said this to him, I knew he was never going to walk through that door again. I held his hand till the end and told him how much I loved him, hoping with all my heart he heard me, but I will never know if he did.

I will always remember my last meal alone with him two weeks before that day. I was home for the new year. I sat waiting for the bus at the bus stop near our home and caught him standing at the traffic lights. I hesitated before I ran after him and asked him if he wanted to have lunch together. In retrospect that would be one of the best things I have done in my life. It was a simple but poignant meal. The last  conversation we had was when he sent me off at the airport. I told him to take care and I will be back to see him really soon.

My mind is constantly replaying memories from the past and flashbacks from three months ago. I am cautious to only take glimpses, for the fear of being overwhelmed. I never want to forget any of it no matter how painful it is to hold the memories close to my heart all the time. Will I ever be alright? Even if I say it does not matter if I am never going to be alright, people will tell me to not be silly because time will heal. They know it will. I tell them grief is a personal thing because each of us hold a unique thread to our loved ones, shared by none others. The pain is a constant reminder of my loss and the link to feeling him close to my heart, which I have chosen to carry with me for the rest of my life. This scar is my way of healing.

You told me that it was more important to live as a good person, than to have all the certificates in life. You told me you trusted me to do the right things for myself, because you are not always going to be by my side to tell me what to do. You can only believe that you have taught me all that you could for me to face life on my own. You never reprimanded me for my failures like other parents would because you believed that it was my life and the choice to do well or not lies with me. All that matters is that I will be the one to shoulder the consequences and no one else. When I chose to leave, you never questioned my intentions but supported me wholeheartedly. You asked me that once, “Why?” I said it was something I had to do. Selfless as you are to let me pursue my wilful impulse, you let me go although I know it hurts you to do so. Without you, I would not have walked this far.I remember the words you said to me as clearly as the day you said it. I will carry on walking knowing that you have left me enough to carry on for the rest of my life.

Love you always, Dy.

I wonder when I will start taking my mum's advice to find a partner and settle down; to stop this globetrotting nonsense and get married. I am not totally resentful of the suggestion although the part about having kids will still face some fierce protest. I have reminders on how I am moving higher up the shelf and people will stop straining to retrieve you off the top shelves. Or if you go to the supermarket and scan for expiry date, you will be long overdue. 

I am not totally oblivious to the people getting hitched and proposed to around me, but perhaps it is not my destiny. I remember in the movie Babe, he was told that his destiny was to be ham. He chose to fight his destiny to end up on someone's dinner platter. Perhaps this is not a good analogy of comparing being hitched to being a piece of dead meat, but what I am getting at is the part about running away from destiny. Maybe if I had made another choice somewhere earlier down the time scale, I could be one of the blushful brides to be. Maybe. Just maybe. 

I am not fretting over it, yet. Although I am certainly more aware of being single. I am not looking for the perfect piece of puzzle, but it has to be coherent with the general picture I am painting of my life. And so what when you find that missing piece in your life, you might end up being totally out of place in that someone's life. An individual's life run on different rhythms at different times in the course of their lives. Sometimes it is just about synchronizing to match each other's life and achieving a harmonious outcome. One having to deccelerate and one to accelerate.

If I am willing to take a slower pace, will you play catching up?